"Bitch Please!"

Note to my readers: If there are typos, confusions, yawning, and a general sense of delirium surrounding this it is only to add to give you a real feel for what harvest does to all of us here on the front line. Therefore, you are welcome...and good night.

"Bitch Please!" and "Oh Hell No!"

Those are the favorite sayings of the Mommies, and they are so apt now. I have not written in a couple of days because A. I've been busier than a bee in a hive at honey making time and B. I'm not sure if most people know this, but there is a code of silence in farming that a writer like myself does not understand, and yet is supposed to be as faithful to as a wedding vow.

That being said, "Bitch Please!" and "Oh Hell No!" have come to mind so much in these sunrise of this harvest season that I am willing to break the code of silence to tell you a little about WHY.

"Uggh!" (Another Mommy Meeting favorite.)

Here is the deal: today started out like every other day this harvest, waking at 5:00 AM to a cup of coffee and heading out the door. Today, we were moving to a new field, so I had to make a pot of coffee, barely wake the kiddos to tell them that I would be gone for a while, and sneak out the door in order to follow these orders: "Get Truck A. Meet at Field 1. Jump in truck B. Take it to Hired Hand X, who will then give you a ride back to Truck A where we will all be waiting to go to Field 2. (take a drink of coffee; pretend to process this information) In the meantime, have Hired Hand B go get fuel and meet us at Field 2, and oh  yeah, give B directions because B won't know where it is." (Drink again. Smile, nod, give The Boss a kiss, and pretend you've heard any more than "Get Truck A.") The only problem is that by the time you get to Field 1, the plans have changed because there is a break down.

That is pretty much every morning before 5:00 AM, but today we not only had one combine breakdown, but two, and we had one truck break down as well. So, now we are down to two combines, one good truck and one back up truck that cannot keep up with the combines.

Oh well, we get it all done, and I return home to get hired hand X (I think) only to discover that my son's rabbit Fiver wanted to get out to play in the grass; therefore, while X waited in the car for me, I reached in to open the hatch for Fiver who promptly bit deep into the soft flesh between my thumb and wrist. "Bitch Please!" I was screaming as I pulled my hand out of the rabbit cage only to discover the rabbit had a lock on my wrist and was not about to let go. Now, I'm not an animal lover (remember the sheep, people!) but I am not an animal hater either; however, when that rabbit would not let go and the pain was too much to bear, I could do nothing more than grab my coffe cup and whap him over the head with it. ( And no, it is not the one I peed in!)

Now, PETA relax before you get all up in my business and turn me in for abusing this blood sucking rabbit! At this point the coffee cup seemed more humane than the thoughts of the potatoes and carrots and chicken broth that I really wanted to water board him with at that moment. Kidding! (Not really, but for liability purposes I have to say that.) Anyway, as I looked down at my punctured flesh that hurt as if rattlesnake venom were coursing through my veins, I started cussing. And not a little cussing, but a helluva lot of cussing. I used all the bad words I could think of and I might have even made a few up. I was whooping and hollering and dancing and swinging that cup, and all the while X was staring at me, as was my son. They were not amused, and X thought that I was a little out of line. Bitch Please! 

I thought that would be the highlight of the day until about 3 hours later when the combines were moved and I was back home getting ready to take the kids to register for school -which I am NOT ready for- when hired hand Z comes in to let me know that the state patrol was doing a sting in our wee-little-itty-bitty farming town and our only truck that can keep up with the combine capacity has been shut down and told to return home.

"OH HELL NO!" 

Now, you all know I'm a faithful liberal. I am a democrat, an Obama lover and a Hillary junkie. She's my heroine - in all senses of the word, but Bitch Please! ARe you friggin serious? (Yep, another gem!) 

And this plays right into all the stuff you are not supposed to say in farming. It has taken me a heck of a long time to learn that farming is like being in a big family; there are some things that you just don't discuss: money, religion, and politics. But, Oh Hell No! Don't you people have another better to waste our tax payor dollars on than pulling over farmers on the second day of harvest when they are trying to do nothing more than to get their crop to market? I mean seriously? Is this what you got up for this morning? Is this what you strapped that gun your hip for, and placed your badge on your chest, or wherever the hell you place it these days? Is this what your swore to protect, and defend? You are out on the road protecting the people against farmers and truck drivers who are only trying to make a living in the short window of opportunity that we have between one rain storm and the next. And why are they doing this? In my somewhat informed opinion it can only be as a way to balance the state budget that our current state administration - as well as so many others before them - has been lax in doing. I have been supportive to our local school administration when our governor has taken money from their accounts in order to follow the voter- approved state mandate that was put in place to balance the budget at all costs all the while driving home on roads that have been rumbled stripped, ripped up and rumble stripped again because opps! someone did it wrong the first time. I have listened to people who have worked plowing roads for the state bitch (please! haha) because they were mandated to be at work during a dry winter and sit on their dead asses watching The Real World and whatever other non-reality based nonsense is on the boob-tube because the state had allocated money for that position and therefore, in order to keep that money flowing to that position should the snow ever decide to fall, the money had to be spent on that position no matter what. Otherwise, some necktie junkie might decide that the best way to balance the budget would be to get rid of that snow plow drivers because there hasn't been a need for them for the past two winters.  Bitch Please! Is your Mama actually proud of you as you adjust your necktie on capital hill and mandate rules for the "little people" who are stupid enough to live in the Real World beneath you? Let me make it simple for you while you feather your hair: don't rumble strip the road on a highway where there have rarely been any head on collisions from people crossing the yellow line unexpectedly, don't promise money to our schools and then steal it back because your incapable of balancingy our budget in the first place, only pay for a plow driver when it is needed, and leave the hard workers in this state the hell alone so we can do our jobs and not end up on the welfare rolls!  Is that clear enough?

Have the politicians not seen the news? We have farmers in the midwest who have no crop because of drought. These are people who will now have to rely on government aid to bolster them up because times are hard. How's that for balancing your budget? 

I know this goes against all of my liberal upbringing, and some people in my neighborhood are going to go all smug about what is stuck in my craw because they blame the liberals for bigger government and over reach and all of that blah, blah, blah, but seriously? On this issue? I know it is environmentally important for our trucks to be in tip top shape and not be spitting emissions up into the atmosphere. I am an environmental FREAK! I want that more than anyone. And, I know it is important that we follow the letter of the law, but for shit sakes, (another fav) we are only on the road for 4 weeks out of the year. 4 weeks. We are not full time truckers, and in most cases, our trucks never even leave the dirt roads. In many cases we travel less than 20 miles from our homes on any given year.  So, why send out a troop of State Patrolmen to pull over the whole of the little town of Oakesdale on Main Street at the ass-crack of dawn on the second day of harvest? Bitch Please and Oh Hell No! I've got a better idea. Why don't you take those big suburbans and diesel sucking monster trucks you are driving and spend your time busting child molesters, and thieves, and drug dealers for the next three weeks and leave us good citizen, tax payers, and damn hard workers the hell alone. 

Hell, after harvest, you can come over, inspect my truck, tell me what I need to do to be environmentally friendly, and I'll even thank you and buy you a beer. Until then, leave us the hell alone and let us do our job! 

Amen Sista! 

(Yep...another Mommy Meeting Doozy!)